What No One Tells You About The First Year of Dating

February 2019: I stumbled upon a beautiful 6’ tall man with a stunning beard who I, for the following three months, thought was crazy.  A year later, this is what I learned. 

The universe (and bae) is always right

In our relationship, there was about 6 months where we were trapped in a never ending argument. Nothing major, but all our strong disagreements ended with some version of “I’m tired so I’ll just say whatever to make you stop talking.”

When I thought about it, though, all of my relationships had that season. I dated a guy who I wanted to be more submissive. I could never articulate it that way, but every argument was in some way connected—albeit tangentially (google it)—to him submitting, even though everything about him told me he’s not the submissive type. 

When we’re trapped in these not-enough-to-break-up-over arguments, I found that the deeper disagreement is “some part of me wants to change some part of you.” And that level of thinking is controlling, driven by the ego, and totally fucked up. 

As much as you want Bae to just get it, the reason why he doesn’t is that you’re trying to force him to be something he’s not. Bae is exactly who he is supposed to be for your growth. The universe has brought him to you for a reason. And these arguments are just road signs telling you to adjust your perspective so you can learn the lesson of the season. 

The connection only gets as deep as I can dig it

When Bae and I met, the connection was instantaneous. For many reasons, we had an immediate bond that lasted us well into our first months of dating and me asking for your hand as my boyfriend. 

But now that we’re a year in, what I had to learn is that the connection between two people never changes lest I change it. For so long, I had been seeking a deeper connection with someone, when I was not that deep. I was superficial at best looking for profundity and depth. The truth is, the connection between you and Bae can only get as deep as you are—your relationship is a reflection of your selfs. 

So to build a deeper connection with Bae, I must look inward and explore myself. The only way for me to love you harder is to love myself harder.  And to connect more meaningfully with you is to connect moreso with myself. 

Contentment loves company as much as misery

A year ago, all my friends were the same kind of single. The kind that said “Atlanta is full of fuck boys.” “Vers means bottom.” “Where the real niggas?”

Then I got a new job. Next thing I knew, one best friend got a promotion and the other started following his career. 

Then I met Bae and both best friends got into eye opening, soul shifting relationships. Their relationships didn’t last but the sense of self and worth that we’ve all taken away from our emotional connections will sustain.  All the other ‘friends’ that still maintained their I’ll-be-single-forever mentality have faded away.

There’s a reason why the saying is “Step your pussy up.” Because you can’t step up anything superficial. You’ve got to upgrade your thinking, your being, your way of seeing, your soul’s perspective. That amount of stepping up can only be done on the deep pussy level. And when you do, the contentment you create will show you friends and partners that will contribute to it, or make it easier to cut off the ones that don’t. 

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