A great man once told me that he’d rather be a power bottom than a powerless bottom, and it took me out. Truthfully, though, bottoms have actual power–power to shift atmospheres. Tops, and those who subscribe to dominance, have only what a bottom gives him. #ISaidIt #ReadyToArgue #WhoGonCheckMe
I’ve bottomed so few times in my life that I could probably count them on two hands and a foot. Notwithstanding, everything I know about topping has come from those few entanglements between my chocolate hills and his eggplant, whomever he was.
Chief among these lessons is that bottoming and topping, regardless of who you’re connecting with and why your doing it, are two distinctly different languages. Tops are saying something with every thrust, every stroke, and every moan. And, conversely, bottoms are saying something altogether different. Those of us that do the best–give the best performance–aren’t necessarily the best speakers. They are actually the greatest listeners.
To make the best of your next entanglement, situationship, or hook-up, here are three things (vers) bottoms are saying that I can guarantee the untrained (vers) top has missed.
The deeper you go, the deeper the connection
The ass is like a home—your home in fact. Strangers, like the Amazon Prime guy, will get welcomed in, but will rarely pass the vestibule. Acquaintances like the circle of friends that pregame at your place before the turn up, they’ll come in, but they can’t randomly invite themselves into every part of your home.
Then there’s the faithful few that get to come into your bedroom, sleep in your bed, and are invited to rummage through your refrigerator without asking permission. The ass is set up much the same way.
A mediocre fuck—mediocre dick with a mediocre connection—will do just that: fuck. He will come, drop off his package and leave without any further consideration. Someone with whom you have a slightly deeper connection may get an invitation to sit down and stay a while. Perhaps this is a second hook up or a light cuddle afterward.
But when a (vers) bottom opens up that second hole, he’s telling you that he feels something for you beyond hook ups. And, if your conversation outside the bedroom aligns with your conversation in the bedroom, you may get invited into his refrigerator.
Bottoming is the highest level of self-awareness
There was the fineAF dude on my timeline while ago. I had admired him on social media for a while before I hit him up and asked to connect.
What he subsequently did to my body was a blend of torture and training. He had my body concocted in all these different ways: legs up, leaned over, bent at the waist. It seemed every time we connected, he ended with asking me for one more round.
Needless to say, every time I finished with him, I was sore in places I didn’t know I even had, but I could go longer the next time. Honestly, he was the best personal trainer I had ever had.
The act of bottoming is a personal training exercise, but not for your body, for your self-awareness. It takes courage to endeavor to bottom, vulnerability to “let someone in”, and trust that he won’t fuck shit up while he’s in there. Bottoming will stretch the self in ways topping could never and you will be better for it.
That’s why, especially with sexually vers men, bottoming will make you a better top, because your sense of self has expanded. Being yourself—your vulnerable, authentic self—is the best exercise of your self-awareness that far too few of us ever do.
Submission is the most dominant act
Whether you’ve dated for months, been married for years, or are in an August entanglement, (vers) bottoms control the sexual exchange.
I am Virgo. They say we’re hoes (although I prefer the term slut) or we’re overly analytical (although I prefer the term inquisitive), and controlling. I thought that’s why I bottomed so few times. But what I realized quickly is that the bottom controls the pace and flow of sexual energy.
In our exchanges, many of us lean on a heteronormative complex to site who controls what. Men (tops) are the king of the castle and women (bottoms) must submit. But I’d dare any top to demand sex unexpectedly. No matter how much control he has over any situation, he waits the hour necessary to get what he wants; he submits.
What we forget when we negotiate sex, or any part of a relationship for that matter, is that each man is his own king of his own castle. His body is his 40 acres and his mind is his mule. So in order of him to submit, we must first acknowledge that he had all the control at one point. A man can not give something that he never had.
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