Years ago, I lived my dream momentarily–rather, my fetish/fantasy. I was the partner to the minister of music.
For some reason, I’ve always had a thing for clergy. Admittedly, I have a storied past with church leadership that would be inappropriate to dive into here. Notwithstanding, I found me a sanctified man who made a Proverbs 31 virtuous woman out of me.
While I was living my fantasy, what really mattered was my evolution. I can’t tell you how much bullshit I made that man put up with. I had no sense of self therefore my integrity was nigh. I had no drive to do therefore my mind was idle. And I had no hobbies or outlets so me, a whole me, became the devil’s playground. But he stayed with me…for whatever reason. It wasn’t until years later when I got that sense of self, found that drive, and put my potential to work that I realized exactly how important my relationship with Minister was.
You see, I never cheated on Minister. I never ventured away from our home that we shared for the purpose of entangling. But I definitely stepped out and he knew and felt it. He had a look that he could give that was worse than a whooping when he sniffed out something that was off. He could smell a lie and I was constantly stinking up the place.
My problem wasn’t infidelity in the common sense of the word. To be with Minister, I had to learn a new definition of cheating. One that has grown me up even to this day. Cheating is when you give anything intended for your partner, to anyone else.
My naive definition of cheating was about what I did with my body–as if it were his to command. My body is mine so nothing I do with it could violate me. The violation is in the intention. Minister and I had agreed that our relationship was sacrosanct. That certain things were reserved to be exchanged between us: time, attention, warm regard, vulnerabilities, and others. When I started, or attempted, to give those to others, my violation was in my integrity, and thereby in my relationship. I doubt he ever feared what I would do with my body, because his original fear was how frivolous I was with my words and my commitments.
My problem with him wasn’t that I stepped out. The baggage I brought into our relationship was my insecurities around being desired. I never had the strongest sense of self. Even to this day, I give myself a firm 6 out of 10. Yet Minister loved me. He saw me and
worst of all most importantly, he knew me. He could sniff out when I was entertaining others inappropriately. He had a sixth sense for when things weren’t right. And time upon time, I betrayed him–not with my body, but with my insecurities.
I allowed too many things to go too far with too many people. I always thought that if I never went over there, or never laid with someone, I was okay. But Minister showed me through love that I can hold myself to a higher standard.
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I was never right for Minister. I was not adult enough for the relationship he deserved. I’ve since apologized to him and we remain good friends to this day. But, it goes without saying, that I’m right for somebody because I was wrong for him.