When I started this blog months ago, and again just recently, I asked some confidants what should I discuss. Their responses ranged from everything that deals with one man connecting to another man and I felt inspired.
Then I had to figure out what was I passionate enough about, not only to write about, but to have a clear stance that could withstand the mostly intellectual scrutiny of the vers men I’m trying to attract. After all that, one topic stood out above all others: open relationships.
If you asked Bae and I separately what kind of relationship we have, I think we’d both say it was open although I don’t have sex with anyone other than him. But every time I’ve told someone that we’re open, one kind of response is that person either flirting with Bae or I, which is expected (we are pretty dope). On the other end, it’s disgust as to how we could sully gay relationships so flippantly.
Either way, however, what I find most interesting is the personal life lessons that have made me comfortable enough to boldly say that we’re open and explain why.
For clarity, Bae is on Jackd and possibly other other apps. What he does on those apps is his business and I trust that if he plans on doing something that will effect me, he will tell me. But either way, I could not care less who and how he communicates with people.
When we got together, I knew I wanted to be with him. He is FineAF, great personality and he even smells good in the morning. I wanted him in my life, but the question I believe most of us fall short of asking is what does that look like?
If we were to be together, on what basis are we being together? Is the foundation of us sexual, as in that is what he and I share solely with each other? Do we value open communication and honesty and that is our foundation? Is it many things? Is it nothing at all? How does this being together actually work?
When we asked those kinds of questions, what we figured out was that our dicks and asses don’t drive our relationship. I don’t feel any better or worse about our union knowing he’s only having sex with me. Nor would I feel betrayed if he went out for an occasional fling. There are many other things that I need in order to be fulfilled in our relationship; sex just isn’t one of them.
But even farther, I would argue that most of us feel the same way. Yes, it socially acceptable that Bae makes a big sacrifice for us–because that is what sexual monogamy is: a sacrifice. But what if there is a different sacrifice that actually means more to you? Don’t you owe it to yourself to figure out what that bigger thing is?
For us, there are some foundational things in our relationship that can not change. On those things, I refuse to be cheated on or betrayed. While our sex life is good and I love being with him, it just isn’t the top priority for me. But please don’t sully my relationship by judging it.
Sweep in front of your own front door.