If we’re honest, you’ve probably settled a lot in your last relationship. You may be settling right now. Every time you want intimacy, but go thotting instead. Or you want a good conversation over dinner, but end up at The Den, you’re settling.
But settling isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually a critical part of the dating process. Every time you settle, and are able to identify it as such, you can ask yourself whether you like how settling makes you feel, and whether you want to do it again.
The process, however, isn’t always so eye opening. More often than not, in my own relationships and probably in yours, we settle but call it more pleasant words like “compromise” for the sake of “making it work”. And that’s when we the shits start to creep up.
Think about your last relationship. It’s easy to say what you want and pursue that. But when the slim thick bruh with the pretty teeth and the thigh meat asks for your number, we get distracted. Date for a couple weeks, maybe even months, fall in love, only to realize that he has bad credit, or no ambition, or no direction.
Bad credit, no ambition, and/or no direction, on their face, are not deal breakers by themselves, but if your needs list includes good credit, ambition, and direction, you might be in for tough-row-to-hoe. Because the act of settling is simple: accepting anything less than required.
Dating is like a job search. Your requirements are the necessary qualifications. Just like your actual job, if the description requires a master’s degree, I’m certain there are several applicants whose resume falls short and don’t get a second look. HR doesn’t feel bad for those who haven’t done the required training or completed the necessary qualifications.
But our own internal HR, when dating, gives the benefit-of-the-doubt. We see ourselves “growing” with a person, or perhaps “they just need a chance” or “hit hard times”. This is settling, but more importantly, it’s our opportunity to ask ourselves “are my requirements really required? and why?” or “how far can I step outside my comfort zone?”
Before we know it, we’ve started “making it work”, which is really code for “settling and hoping for the best”. But that is the critical part of the process. When we make it work, we learn to bend our rigid requirements to see what the end will be. Frankly, we would not know how powerful we are or how much we can bare, or how bright our future could be if we don’t push our limits–both our upper and lower limits–every once in a while.
Settling is critical. It’s like the Michael Ealy to Taraji P. Henson in Think Like a Man or the frog version of Prince Navine to Tiana in Princess and the Frog. Sometimes your heart will push you to settle. Our job is to stay present, do a gut check, ask ourselves a ton of questions, and take every ebb and flow as it comes. Lean in to your heart. If you like something, go with it. You might be stumbling into the best time of your life, or stumbling over some bullshit into better, clearer picture of yourself.